Have you ever wondered how certain words came to be? Who looked at a desk, for example, and decided to name it that? Or a road? Or a tree? Or a widow?
The word widow makes me think of spiders, specifically black widows. Black widows are among the most feared spiders because their bite can be harmful, even fatal. According to Google, a black widow's venom is fifteen times stronger than that of a rattlesnake. This from an invertebrate being roughly the size of a paper clip, weighing less than an ounce and with a life span of one to three years. Black widows also have a violent mating ritual once a year that often ends in the death of the male spider.
There are only a few things in life that I do not like. Beets are at the top of the list, followed by people who are unkind but I also do not like snakes or mice or spiders. Ironic, then, that I have had a label placed on me that reminds me of something I dislike so much.
I have known widows in the past. However, I always knew them as ladies in their 70s or 80s who lost a husband to illness after being married for many decades. My own grandmother for one. She was 77 when my grandfather died but she lived to be almost 94. Up until her passing, she lived on the farm in the house she was born in, the same house where four of her five children were also born, the same house her husband died in. My grandmother was an incredibly strong woman. But I now understand you have to be to strong to survive the death of your spouse. Honestly, to not only survive the event itself but to figure out how to adapt your life and keep going takes great courage and strength. I am tougher than I realized. Every widow must find strength they previously did not know they possessed.
The word widow is translated from the Hebrew word almana, meaning 'empty house,' that appears 56 times in the Old Testament of the Bible. The term in Old English was widewe, from an Indo-European root meaning to ‘be empty’. A similar word in Sanskrit meant to ‘be destitute,' and the Latin vidua meant ‘bereft' or 'deprived.' The modern English word void is derived from the Latin vidua. Yep, those all sound about right.
Did you know that there is something called the "widowhood effect?" It seems that a woman whose husband has died has a much greater mortality likelihood, especially in the first three months following the death. That is why you hear of married couples who live to a great age and die within days or hours or minutes of each other. The thought of being without their partner, best friend and better half can simply be too much to bear. I can understand how it would be so much easier to curl up and will yourself to die, too. But no one ever promised us that life would be easy.
In past centuries it was customary in parts of Europe for a widow to wear only black for the remainder of their lives. In the Hindu religion, the act of sati is still sometimes practiced even today. It refers to a widow being burned, either voluntarily or by force, often on her husband's funeral pyre. Some Hindus believe this practice to be the ultimate form of womanly devotion and sacrifice. If not consumed by the sati practice, the Hindu culture in some areas required a widow's head to be shaved, she was forbidden to wear jewelry and she was forced to walk barefoot.
When a death occurred during the Civil War, people believed that time stood still and thus pendulums were stopped on clocks at the hour of the person's passing. The front door of a home was draped in heavy black fabric. Anything shiny or reflective inside the home, such as a mirror, would be covered in the same fabric. It was also customary for a widow to follow a very specific set of rules. Women had to be clothed in "widow's weeds" within 24 hours of her husband's death. This consisted of all black clothing. When in public, the garb included black gloves and a veil to cover the face. Widows were required to be in mourning for no less than two years. In some locations it was customary for the widow to not leave her home and any sort of social interaction was forbidden. Interestingly, though, a widower was only required to be in mourning for three months time.
Throughout history, women have taken a backseat versus the role of men. Though not much is known about the role of women in the Stone Age, it is believed that women primarily held the role of gatherer and nurturer, with men serving as the hunter and protector. In Ancient Egypt, women were in fact considered equals to men except with regard to occupation. During the Middle Ages, women were generally considered inferior to men and their role primarily involved domestic duties. If you do your homework you will find that there were some pretty bad ass women warriors and leaders throughout history but they were definitely in the minority. It was only in modern times during the 20th century that women began to gain more rights, including the right to vote in the U.S. in 1920. But even in the contemporary times of today, with nearly 50% of women in the work force and more women enrolled in college than men, with women having a longer average lifespan than men, women continue to serve as the lesser or inferior gender.
Also throughout history, women being widowed bucked the norm of society. With men serving as the primary provider and protector and women not being an accepted part of the work force until more recent times, what happened when a woman lost her husband to illness, war or an accident? Often she became impoverished, her children were considered orphans, and they became reliant on the generosity of other family members or the church or the government. A woman's life could change for the worst in an instant and yet because of her lack of rights and accepted societal conventions, she often was thrown into a life of hardship, sacrifice and sometimes shame and stigma.
So here is something to consider. Women have historically had to endure a lot. But after a woman has suffered such profound pain and loss at the death of her husband, why was it characteristic of society and accepted for centuries to further humiliate her? Crazy when you think about it, right? And I have thought about it a lot.
I have the best job in the world. It is challenging and sometimes discouraging but it is also fulfilling and inspiring and amazing, too. As executive director of The Food Bank for Central & Northeast Missouri, I get to make a difference in people's lives on a daily basis. Our team offers nourishment and hope to the individuals, children, families, seniors and veterans who need it most. Most of the households we serve have at least one employed adult in them. Many of the people we serve are single parents who are underemployed and at the end of the month they just cannot make ends meet.
Think about your own monthly budget. You have those fixed costs including a mortgage payment or rent, utilities, childcare, medical and pharmaceutical costs and transportation costs. If you do not make the payment for one of these costs then there is a negative trade-off. In your own monthly budget, where is the one area that you can compress your spending depending on what you have left? It is the amount you spend on food. And that is why The Food Bank serves over 100,000 people every month and distributes 30 million pounds of food annually in 32 counties. Because hunger is real and it is all around us.
It is not lost on me that when Anthony died my circumstances could have been very different. Had we not saved money, had I been a stay at home mom who suddenly lost all income, had we had any debt, etc. The list of what-ifs goes on and on. I could instantly have found myself in need. I could have been one of the people we serve each day. I am so fortunate that I was not one of these people and I did have some safety nets in place but I am likely the exception, rather than the rule.
Exactly 406 days ago a spider came along and sat down beside me. I hate that spider but I sure have learned a lot from it. Maybe those nursery rhymes were more insightful than we understood in our youth. And, maybe we really do learn all we need to know of life in kindergarten.
Eating her curds and whey
When along came a spider who sat down beside her
And frightened Miss Muffet away.
- Mother Goose
“The leaves let go, the seeds let go, and I must let go sometimes, too, and cast my lot with another of nature’s imperfect but tenacious survivors.”
- Robert Fulghum, All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten
No comments:
Post a Comment