Thank You for Being a Friend

This is a love letter, the kind that few people may have occasion to write in their lifetime.

We come into contact with many different people in our lives.  Who knows what the magic formula is for forming friendships?  First the chance meeting, then the suggestion to meet again and by that third or fourth meeting you pretty much know if the friendship is going anywhere.  Kind of like what I remember about dating from 25 years ago.  (Is it still like that?)

I have been fortunate to have many friends in my life.  Some of whom I have maintained a close friendship with since childhood or college, some of whom I was once very close to and now do not communicate with often or at all.  But each friendship, whether for a lifetime or just a season, helped shape the person I am today.

In 2010 I was one of 30 people selected for the Chamber of Commerce Leadership Columbia program.  I knew no one else in the class but ended up hitting it off with the woman seated next to me at our retreat.  Over time, we became close with another classmate and then eventually with one of the co-chairs.  

Lunch dates followed for the four of us and in 2012 we were all selected to a program called the Greater Missouri Leadership Challenge, a year-long symposium with four sessions dedicated to informing us of the challenges and opportunities faced by our state and how we could effect change.  That was a great time – four different three day periods where we learned how we could better our community but also a time when we carpooled, shared adjoining rooms and meals, and enjoyed being together.  Just the type of fun good friends should have with each other.

The four of us are so different – background, education, interests, professions, personality types.  But we made each other laugh.  Not chuckles but full-on spells of loud, convulsive, tear-inducing, sides hurting, can’t-stop-it-even-if-we-tried laughter.  It just simply felt good and right when we were together.  Each of us could completely be our authentic selves and know we could bring any issue to the table without being judged but with full support and the offer of help from the others.  We were unlikely friends from the beginning.  In hindsight, I believe we were brought into each other’s lives for a reason that we did not yet know.

None of us can remember the date of the lunch meeting that would change everything.  It started like any other, catching up on our personal and professional lives, the ever present laughter.  And none of us can remember who said it but the comment was made that if something happened to our husbands as we got older we could move in together like the Golden Girls from the popular TV series.  It seemed we each naturally fit the personality of one of the four characters.  Shelly was the sweet, lovable but slightly naive-in-the-best-kind-of-way Rose; Sarah was the tall, smart, take-charge Dorothy; Michele was the go-with-the-flow Blanche who gave us an education about life and men every time we met; and me, Sophia, the oldest who was known for being strong-willed, sarcastic and witty.

We began to refer to ourselves as the Golden Girls and gained a bit of a following on social media.  Holiday gifts began to take on a Golden Girls theme.  Other women told us they wished they were part of our circle.  And we grew stronger as a unit of friends.  I think we began to realize at that time that ours was a special friendship, one unlike what most people had.     

On that terrible day, we were supposed to have lunch and exchange Christmas gifts.  I had so looked forward to spending time with them, because it is difficult for us to find time on the calendar when all four of us are available.  There was no lunch meeting on that day but the four of us did end up together after all.  

Michele was the first call I made upon leaving my office.  She answered in her typically sunny way but immediately knew that something was wrong.  When I told her what had happened, she asked if I needed her to come with me to the farm and I told her no.  I did not know what I needed at that point and honestly would have no idea for days to come.   But she came anyway and brought Shelly along with her.  In their calm, cool and capable manner they just began doing things for us, anticipating what they thought we needed and then acting.  Sarah joined us at my house later in the afternoon.  All three of them came with bags packed determined not to leave my side or that of the kids.  

Michele became my personal assistant, chauffeur and caretaker for the next few days. She took me back and forth to the funeral home and to the bank and basically was there to cater to my every whim.  She was next to me every second and I kept her hopping.

Shelly was my list creator and organizer, helping me to figure out what needed to be done and when and by whom.  She ensured that we quickly had a plan and timeline in place.

Sarah was my advisor and backbone, helping me figure things out with her practical approach to everything and just reminding me to keep getting up and to keep going. Though I remember every detail of the day he died, the next week leading up to the service was a blur.  But I do know the Golden Girls were there through it all.  They kept the kids and me moving forward though we were all in shock and existing in a fog.  They gave up their regular lives to ensure that we could keep going with our own, foreign as it was. 

I had other friends who offered to help and did so much for us in those early days and beyond.  Amazing, wonderful friends to whom I beyond grateful for their support and whom I cherish.  But the Golden Girls did not ask, they just showed up in full force and began to do things for us, many of those things we did not even know we needed.

We all held a bunking party in my living room for the first few nights but for a full week at least one of them stayed overnight with us, quietly making sure we had what we needed while at the same time providing as much levity as possible to what would otherwise be a very somber household.  Sarah included us at her Christmas Eve open house, and we attended church with Shelly and her family, followed by brunch at her parents the next morning.  They made sure that all of the bases were covered for us.

Next up they all helped with the many decisions, arrangements and logistics needed to be determined for the service and they took over arrangements for the gathering at our house following.  Michele set up a meal train on Facebook and within an hour or so we had commitments for a dinner meal to be provided for the next month.  She became the great communicator from sharing details of the service with family and friends, to keeping people posted on our progress, to fielding calls from reporters to ordering thank you cards.  I lacked for nothing and my children lacked for nothing because of these three friends.   

In the days and weeks that followed, the Golden Girls had every milestone on the calendar. When any significant day was approaching, they had a plan of action.  Each day would start with an early morning group text exchange to lift my spirits.  New Year's Eve? Bunking party. Valentine's Day? Dinner at my house with me playing chef.  My would-be 20th wedding anniversary?  Impromptu but serious dance party in pajamas on my deck.  Actually most of the time we were together a serious dance party was involved.  As the days passed it became a little easier to laugh and find moments to be light-hearted.  The Golden Girls intentionally created those opportunities for us and ran with them.  They knew that the 21st of each month would be a hard day and another milestone and they were prepared with words of encouragement, a lunch date, an acknowledgment or a gift of some kind.  They didn't miss a single important day.

I could go on and on about the many things they did for the kids and me.  The more important thing to share is that their devotion was instantaneous, completely encompassing and it did not waver.  From tragedy came true friendship.  Today we have an unbreakable, unshakable, forever bond. I absolutely believe that we were destined to come into each other's lives.  This friendship was meant to be and along the way these friends became family and in turn their families adopted us.  

I am so incredibly lucky to have many friends, including those who knew Anthony first.  In no way does this tribute to the Golden Girls detract from the support we have received from other friends.  We could not have made it through this time without them.  What I have come to realize is that our friends support us in ways that they are capable of, using their individual strengths or skills, at any given time.  And sometimes they are simply not capable of providing support because they do not know how or their own pain may be too deep.

That said, this is also a love letter to some friends who are not Golden Girls.  Thank you:

David W. - for being his work partner-in-crime, for keeping his legacy intact and being determined to see it continue, for loving him fiercely and feeling his loss so deeply, for taking a piece of him with you on every hunt, for advising me and encouraging me, for knowing every inch of the farms and where his hiding places were located, for seeing and believing in signs that he is still with us and for sharing them with me; please know that there is a reason he is sharing these signs with you and also know that he loved you

Aaron - for being my friend since childhood then also becoming his friend, for the many hours spent together chasing ducks and dogs at the duck lake, for your devotion to the kids and me, for being my shoulder to cry on, for the advice given, for showing up unannounced (because you knew I would not ask for help) and tackling any home improvement project or bit of manual labor needed, but mostly for being determined that his loss will make you appreciate your own blessings more profoundly - at least outwardly, you have learned and grown the most from this situation, which means his loss is not in vain; please know that he loved you

Dan - for being his friend since middle school, for the many laughs and memories you shared together, for being half of our first "couples friends", for your caring and kindness, for your devotion to him and for your unbelievable fundraising efforts for the kids college fund through Whitetails Unlimited; please know that he loved you

Michelle - for being his friend and then becoming mine, for being the other half of our first "couples friends", for those many fun and hilarious happy hours way back when, for your ever present and one-of-a-kind smile and for always providing encouragement, a kind word and a compliment

Rob - for being his best friend since high school and best man, for the many laughs and memories shared, for the miles traveled and multiple concerts attended together, for being half of our second "couples friends", for supporting each other through significant life losses and for snow-covered driveways shoveled anonymously; please know that he loved you

Greta - for being my friend first and for being the other half of our second "couples friends", and for helping me navigate the legal aspect of death, which has not been easy or immediate

Glenn and David A. - for being a phone call or text away, for advising me and for fixing what needed fixing; please know he loved you

Terri - for your consistent presence during this awful time, for two decades of friendship, for the multiple times we got in trouble for laughing but did not care, for our shared and warped sense of humor, for "Dear Jim" and for big red arrows in presentations

Mike - for being my brother in every way except blood, for being an advisor and mentor, and for being the voice for our stories at the funeral when we could not speak

Linda and Catey - for quietly showing your support, for our group lunches and dinners, for wine and laughs shared together and for consistently checking up on me

D.W. - for helping me find my smile and my faith, which I thought were lost

J.H. - for encouraging me to write this blog, for assuring me that it would help others and for understanding because you have experienced your own awful life loss 

Mark and Brenda - for watching over us from next door, for always being there for whatever we might need and for loving our kids as your own

All of our neighbors - for your help with meals, rides for Kate, walking of Scout and being ready to lend a hand

The "cult-de-sac" crew - for adopting us as honorary members

Daryle, Julie, Charity, Bobbie and now Eric - for your unwavering support and faith in me, for letting me walk away from work for awhile during the busiest time of the year and knowing that all would be well, and for being the best team of leaders a girl could work with

For everyone who helped us in some way, with a card, a hug, a prayer, a positive thought, encouragement, a donation, a meal, whatever it may have been - please know how much your kindness was appreciated.

Friendship is not a sitcom.  There is no script, no producer, no theme song, no opening credits, no conflict with a tidy resolution at the end of 30 minutes.  Friendship is like marriage.  It takes work and commitment to make the relationship grow, thrive and last. Friendship is an investment of time, energy and resources.  And when the friendship is true, the return on the investment is priceless.  I have the best kind of proof.

Thank you, for being our friends.